Masamang pangitain

Mga ilang araw na ang nakalipas, napanaginipan kong kinasal ka--hindi sa akin kundi sa ibang tao. Pagkagising ko, tila bangungot. May lihim pala akong gusto sa iyo. Naiilang kasi ako dahil magaling ka. Pero kung sakaling mapunta ka sa iba, masama pala ang madarama ko. Humahanga ako sa mga magaganda, sa ngunit mas matindi ang paghanga ko sa mga matatalino. Hindi ko sinasabing hindi ka maganda, pero marahil ganoon na nga. Tiyak lang ako na hindi ka pangit para sa akin. Lihim na pagtingin, iyan ang susing salita. Isa itong palaisipan, tingnan natin kung mayroong makakuha ng sagot. Pwede kayong humingi ng susundan ninyo mula sa akin.

Bastos

Bastos ako. Bastos ako sa dalawang kahulugan ng naturang salita. Tuldok.

Death

I kill and kill myself everyday but I do not die. Is self-hatred too much? I have learned my lesson. Although I explode everyday, or jump into a hole, I just seem to survive. My history has shown the truth. Seven semesters has passed and it seems that I am lucky to pass my biology subjects. I passed all of them, but I attribute most to luck and my skillful guessing. Joel guessed his way through BS Biology. Well, I don't want that to happen anymore. It's not that I don't want to pass; it's just that I want to pass with minimal guessing, especially of the nature which is not intelligent.

So how does the master try to kill himself everyday?
1. Play computer games from dawn till twilight.
2. Waste his time checking the foolish YM if somebody has sent him a message.
3. Check his emails; sees spam.
4. Friendster. Well not anymore for checking out chicks and people. Just checking out who's viewed his profile and views them back not anonymously. He's too lame to switch things on and off which he previously unfailingly did.
5. Always wear the casual crossed face.
6. Does not do his tasks.
7. Stays up late at night; gets to his class or appointment late by as much as one hour.
8. Neglects his room and his soul. Although he does not believe in religion, he thinks that beings have social and psychological needs to be satisfied. The psyche.
9. Eating until or even beyond the point of satiety.
10. Thinks of himself and of other people negatively.
11. Maligning himself, just like in this self-righteous blog.
12. Does not accept with his whole heart that some people are simply better than him.
13. Allowing opportunities to pass him by.
14. Does not realize his full genius, which he believes he has.
15. Feels that his family will always be there to respond to most his needs when rational thinking dictates otherwise.

Not love

A long, long time ago
I said I love you
And meant it
This time
I can't say it anymore
And couldn't mean it anymore
Don't know what made me
Say such words
Now, I know
It wasn't love

Looking back
This makes it
Easier for me
To accept myself
For wasting the chance
Allowed it to pass by
Without me grabbing it

Yes, you've moved on
And to you, I was just
An unpleasant memory
At this moment
I could claim the same
You may have been comely
But I have matured
Outside form isn't
The only thing that matters
Although it sure does
For, most often than not
A stare lasting
One split second is all it takes
To become enamored
This applies to both gents and ladies

Your looks were above average
I judged you by a single parameter
Nothing more
And now, I am enlightened
Good criteria are
composed of many factors
This is the rule

Today, I regret
That we didn't reconcile
You neither become my friend
Nor a personal acquaintance
I've tried hard enough
Not to think of you
But I love myself
So much so that I don't want to
Restrain myself
From expressing my innermost feelings
This weblog has no specific purpose
Only a general one:
To fulfill my need
To express myself
An act I have long restrained
From doing
Since my elementary and high school days
Including college

I have mixed emotions of you
Although my mind tells me
I should only have one:
Hatred
Your rejection of me
Caused great anguish
A feeling that any man
In his right frame of mind
And who isn't a masochist
Would surely avoid
Everybody desires to belong
I desired to belong to you
I guess it isn't wise
To use passion all the way
A path I almost resorted to

I am neither good nor bad
Only human
What matters to me is success
Evolutionarily and biologically
An organism is successful
If he reproduces
And passes his genetic material
To his offspring

Sex appeal is what
Makes the world go round
I'd like to believe
In part
I can defend this stand
Do you know physical attraction?
I'm sure you do
The raging emotion
Manifesting it
Caused by hormones in your body

For good or bad
You can't control it
All was triggered by
The selfish DNA
You and all humans have
You have
Or say the least had
Sex appeal
And if you had it
You couldn't and shouldn't
Blame people for getting
Attracted to you

There are varied
Positive reactions
To this such as
Admiration
Attraction
Obsession
You could say
I had all those feelings
Towards you

However
Beauty causes feelings
Other than those aforementioned
Which are considered good
Because I felt
Jealousy
Anger
Hatred
Animosity

Animosity
For you

Pamimili

Ang galing! Kakapansin ko pa lang na dalawa pala ang pwedeng kahulugan ng salitang pamimili. Ang una ay yaong ginagawa sa palengke. Ang ikalawa naman ay yaong ginagawa sa ating pang-araw-araw na buhay: ang mamili ng desisyon. Wala akong ideya kung ano sa dalawang mga gawain na ito ang nauna sa naturang depinisyon at ano ang sumunod lamang. Pero sa tingin ko, nauna ang pumapatungkol sa gawaing sa pang-araw-araw na buhay.

Mayroon akong napagnilay-nilayan: Ang pagpili ng mga desisyon sa buhay ay parang pamimili sa palengke. Ang buhay ay parang palengke. Ito ay magulo. Araw-araw, mayroong tayong mga pangangailangan na siyang kailangan nating pagpursigihan at pagkagastusan. At sa araw-araw, may nakalaang pondo na dapat nating ibadget upang ito'y magkasya. Kung hindi ito magkasya, pwede tayong magtiis muna o 'di kaya ay mangutang. Subalit dapat nating isaisip na ang panghihiram ng salapi ay isang espadang dalawa ang talim. Kung hindi tayo magiging maingat sa paggamit nito, maaaring lubos tayong maghirap dahil dito sa pamamagitan ng interes. Kung sakaling wala namang interes ang pautang, huwag ka pa rin magsasaya. May interes pa rin ito sa anyo ng utang ng loob. Kung sakaling nagkaroon ka na ng utang ng loob, dapat mo itong kilalanin. Datapwat, hindi ito kailanman o dapat na mangahulugan ng pagtutulak sa isang sulok ng iyong mga prinsipyo sa buhay.

Ang buhay ay puno ng mga manloloko at mga gahaman, tulad sa isang palengke kung saan may mga sinungaling at madayang mga manininda, snatster na mahirap, hasler na mahilig mangulimbat, batugan na tamad, lamon ng lamon na mukhang pagkain, patay-gutom na buhay pa rin, tambay na walang magawa, lasinggero na walang pambili ng tubig, nagsisigarilyo na nilalason ang kapaligiran, manyak na mahilig sa seks, raypis na hindi kuntento sa pagjajakol, mamamatay-tao na ayaw hayaang mabuhay ang iba, mamamatay-ipis -daga -pusa atbp., palaboy na walang sarili matitirahan, ulila na iniwan sa hindi pa takdang panahon ng kanilang mga magulang, batang malilikot na dapat parusahan sa sobrang kaingayan, matandang nabubulok na ang tanging iniintay na lamang ay ang sandali ng kanilang kamatayan, magsasakang api, mangingisdang mahilig sa katubigan, mangangalakal na mukhang pera, propesyunal na gayon din, atbp.

Haay, buhay! Masalimuot. Walang gaydbuk o syortkat. Ang pinakamagaling na guro ay ang karanasan. Pwede kang magpatulong pero hindi tumpak na pagbasehan ang karanasan ng iba. Gayunpaman, huwag kang matakot na magkamali ngunit matakot kapag minaliit mo ang iyong sarili.

Ang daldal ko 'no? Pasensya na po, ganyan kasi sa palengke e. Sa sobrang ingay, hindi na kayo magkarinigan. Okey lang iyon. Basta maging mapagmatyag ka lang kasi baka umabot ang panahon kung saan hindi mo na marinig ang lahat, maging ang iyong sariling mga boses, ang iyong konsyensya at opinyon. Dahil kung nagkagayon na ay siguradong hindi ka na nag-eeksis.